Thursday, 23 July 2009

And the good news is...

"A pint of milk a day greatly reduces your risk of developing heart disease and suffering a stroke," a study has found.
No, really ? Seems that milk doesn't kill you from obesity, legionnaires disease, swine flu, salmonella or any of the other things that they threatened us with as they destroyed the old fashioned Milk Round.

In fact, " Researchers found that drinking more than half a litre of milk a day – just under a pint – reduces your chances of suffering heart attacks and strokes by up to a fifth."
No, really ? Guess what, I have always drunk about a pint of milk a day yet remain lithe & supple and am still blithely convinced that milk Is good for you as hammered in throughout my 1960's childhood.

The report cheapens itself by claiming "The findings appear to reverse the commonly held view that drinking too much milk is bad for you " No, it is not a 'commonly held view', it is commonly reported by bansturbating control freaks that most adults have ignored for years.

Professor Ian Givens, a nutritionist at the University of Reading said "it is believed that proteins in the milk help reduce blood pressure which in turn reduces stress on the heart and blood vessels. Which is what my old Mum always said and also that milk helps with growth and healthy bones.

"I think that this shows that the bad press milk has been getting is undeserved" he said. "Other studies had shown that milk had beneficial to health but the extent was a surprise to us."
Really ? Not a surprise to us.

The study also discovered the incidence of diabetes was also reduced by between four and nine per cent and colon cancer rates were also lowered.

Milk Is Good For You

The demise of the Milk Round is a bit puzzling since milk came in 99% reclycled glass bottles and was delivered in electric diven carts ( see top pic ).

Right, hands up all those who remember School Milk ?

And we collected the Metallic Milk Bottle Tops for the blind kids charity WTF happened to that ?.

Monday, 13 July 2009

The Gordon Brown

I went to my old pub, now restyled the Community Cohesion Center or CCC4U in that snappy Nu Labour way, it used to be 'The Railway Tavern' but now it is 'The Gordon Brown'. That's its pub ( sorry ) CCC4U sign up there ^ flapping in the wind.

On my way in I signed the register and declared that I had read and understood " For The Purposes Of The Act " the various notices and warnings in the lobby.
Banning of gambling or gaming ( incl 'small monies'), banning of music ( whether electronic, recorded or sung ) as Un-Islamic; the mug-shots of 1,538 local Alcohol Restriction Order Violators, that members of HM Forces were unwelcome, that I agreed to CCTV images being recorded of me and my Anti-Social Behaviour, that I had read and understood the Health And Safety Issues surrounding ordering alcoholic beverages in a Public Place, that I was reassured by the Foundation Certificate In Basic Food Hygiene that the chef had attained even though I did not fancy the Tofu Burger on offer; that I, as a responsible Adult of NOT LESS than 21 years of age, undertook NOT to supply alcohol to third parties ( sinisterly known as " buying a round " ), that I had NOT arrived at the CCC4U "The Gordon Brown" by car or motorcycle, that I had NOT had a previous alcohol experience in the past 48 hours, that I was NOT responsible for the welfare of ANY CHILD AND/OR ANIMAL upon my return home and that I understood that NO Ungovernmental conversation would be tolerated.

Once past the Customer Service Guarantors I purchased my alloted 2.8 units of alcohol ( to be consumed in NOT less than two hours) and rang the bell to enter the 'Alcohol Abuse Closet' which is where you go in case any Teetotal Non-smoking Vegans ( " Preferred Patrons " ) are offended by our behaviour. Luckily none were there today so I quaffed my pint of Guinness and half a bitter shandy in peace and enjoyed some much needed, if cramped, Social Inclusion with my peers but the mood was broken when the PCSO arrived to check the register against our voluntary ID cards. That did for Old George who seemed to utter the dread phrase "wankers" as he expired, bless him.
I made my way to the " No Smoking In Any Of These Premises " gardens ( I allowed the unspeakable to enter my mind "thick twats, it's ON These Premises ")
but, sadly, the riverside smoking pontoon was full.

On my way home I noticed that 'The Jacqui!!!Smith Experience' had become 'Ye Olde Ben Bradshaw'

Update 21/8/2011. To celebrate his fantastic victory over the rioters The Gordon Brown has been rebranded
"Daves' Got Passion"

Sunday, 12 July 2009

Bugles Banned

Bugles now Banned for all HMG Armed Services.

There are fantastic indications of success for the No Car Bombs Campaign but some worry that it hints at an anti-Muslim agenda on the part of HMG which is, of course, completly wrong. To counter this ridiculous claim by trouble makers The Ministry For Muslims is launching another new sign campaign ( see above ) aimed at those malcontents withing the Armed Forces who use bugling such as reveille to impose their neo-colonial mindsets on our Muslim brothers who, quite rightly, believe music to be anti-Islamic and the work of the devil himself.
This sign will be widely distributed at all Barracks, Bases, Forward Observation Posts and any other place where revanchist military elements might be tempted to flout the new ban.
This Top Secret campaign was almost accidentaly compromised when North Westerner found the details on a discarded disc in a skip but he loyally handed them in to the authorities.

The work will be carried out by The AA Signage Division following thier success in the previous No Smoking Campaign.

Armed Forces were particularly please by being allowed to use any of the above designs to Personalise their own foxholes ( defined under Statute as a Working Place since they have at least two sides and sometimes a bit of roof ).
Sadly, the No Improvised Explosive Devices Campaign will be delayed because the children at Bridlington On Sea are on Summer Holiday so the results of their interactive competion will not be known until September.

Saturday, 11 July 2009

car bombs banned

Under an exiting new MOD initiative 25,000 hi-vis " No Car Bombs " roadsigns will be distributed all over troubled Afghanistan.

The Prime Minister said " In the ongoing crusade, I mean campaign, to secure peace and democracy for the Afghan peoples it is essential that we send a strong message that car bombs are complety unacceptable and totally inappropriate: these signs, we believe, will send that message ".

This would have created many jobs for British workers but the Treasury insisted on sourcing them from China on cost grounds. Installation of the signs will be carried out by US mercenaries " Haliburton " for an undisclosed fee. It is understood that a further 'signs' campaign against Improvised Explosive Devices is already in the pipeline and an interactive competition is underway among primary schools at Bridlington On Sea for the most effective signage.

Thursday, 9 July 2009

No Fun In Kowloon

Move along there, nothing to see, nothing to do.

Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Skateboarding is not a crime

Yes it is, fuck off you noisy little cunts.

@Anon April 6th 2011. Said

"I just want to thank all you skatboarder haters for makeing my sport even better running from johney law as I laugh at his
uni brow
from cali to all haters
skateboarding is not a crime!

Just to let you know that the particular issue has resolved itself.
That issue was skaters doing their stuff in the turning circle of my Mums quiet cul-de-sac. It was not them that was the problem as they were very polite, it was the noise, the clickerty clattery that went on up to 10pm in the summer evenings.
The good townsfolk eventually stumped up the cash for a proper skatepark having rushed it through in just a couple of decades and my mum (R.I.P.) was able to spend her last year or so untroubled by their antics.