The Coalition has announced an exciting new initiative to save Britain from its £4Trillion debt inherited from the discredited and rightfully maligned former Labour Junta.
Speaking from No 10, Mr Cameron and Mr Clegg jointly announced.
"As is well known the world has benefitted for centuries from one of Britains greatest exports, the English Language and it is only fair and reasonable that the rest of the world now repays its debt.
From 2014 use of the English Language will be leased to overseas Nations and Entities on a sliding scale based on the length of use, size of population and proportion of overseas populations using our language.
Discounts will be offered to those who offer prompt payment while punitive compliance fines will be imposed on those Nations and Entities who attempt to avoid payment or are deemed to have corrupted our English Language in clear breach of implied contract.
Income from this remarkable project will initially be ring-fenced for the renewal of the Trident submarine-launched ballistic missile programme which can then be used to encourage recalcitrant English speaking Nations and Entities to pay their dues so the whole thing will be entirely self-financing, in the long run.
Obviously our close frinds in Australia, Canada amd New Zealand will be only too keen to contribute both in gratitude and unwillingmess to commit themselves to an immediate conversion to Mandarin Chinese though we might expect trouble from the Americans on the basis that they are pretty well Spanish bilingual by now and so might just as well go the whole way. States like France and Spain which cling to the vestiges of their native language can expect increasing charges over the years as Frenglish and Spanglish increasingly take hold
Those international bodies of which Britain is a member, UN, WHO, EU &etc might expect a free ride but Britain expect being let off subs.
As a gesture of goodwill the administration of The Commonwealth will be exempt; thank you, any questions?"
I don't know who they are -
12 minutes ago